It's not been an easy year so far, this being 21 business. Despite being an adult now making adult choices, sometimes you still feel like a scared little girl inside. Especially in those moments when it's just you and him and things get heated. He really scares you sometimes, even though you do your best not to let it show.
There are more fights and unhappy moments than happy ones, and you spend your days tiptoeing around his temper and trying to do anything you can to make him happy despite the fact he seems unable to find any happiness from within himself. His jealousy and inability to trust you in any social settings is a constant source of tension and uneasiness.
One night your work hosts a farewell for one of these young guys you work with and just happen to share a birthday with, as he is going back to the UK soon after completing his year of work experience here. A group of you head out to a famous Wellington landmark 'The Tugboat' together on this night. You enjoy the company of this young guy on this night out far more than you know you should. Far more than is appropriate in your situation. And over the course of the next few days, you admit to yourself you have feelings for this kind and wonderful young man. Strong feelings.
And so the sliding doors of your life open. You see a different future flash before you. You catch a glimpse into all the wonderful possibilities that this boy and all he stands for offers you. It's love like you've never known - deeper, stronger, purer. You see a life filled with incredible and glorious untapped potential. You see a chance to become yourself again. To no longer live in the shadows. To no longer live in fear but in faith. You can even see the possibility of returning to your faith that has been so long lying in tatters.
You can hear a voice in your heart saying "God saw you when you fell, so there's no reason to try and hide from Him. Like the shephered who went looking for his one lost sheep, God is looking for you today. Not to condemn you but to restore you. And no matter how how far you think you might have travelled away from him, it is just one step back into his arms.
And without even thinking about the chance of injury - before those sliding doors can fully slam shut, you thrust out your hand to prevent them closing. You forcibly prise them open and you jump on that train heading for a brand new destination. Your palms are sweaty, your throat is dry and you are breathing way too fast.
This might turn out to be the craziest-dumbest or cleverest-brilliantest thing you've ever done. And only time will tell.
If you are interested in hearing what happened next, the next part of the journey is re-told in the following posts:
The Original MNM's: Truly, Madly, Deeply
The Original MNM's: Long Distance Love
The Original MNM's: Making it Work
The Original MNM's: Surviving the Storm