08 June 2011

Something's Gotta Give

Have you ever worked through one of those Belbin Team Role tests that puts you in categories such as Team-worker, Implementer, Co-ordinator, Completer-Finisher etc.

Although mine comes out across a few categories, by far my strongest trait is the Completer Finisher. Here’s a definition of this personality type:
The Completer Finisher is a perfectionist and will often go the extra mile to make sure everything is "just right," and the things he or she delivers can be trusted to have been double-checked and then checked again. The Completer Finisher has a strong inward sense of the need for accuracy, and sets his or her own high standards rather than working on the encouragement of others. They may frustrate their teammates by worrying excessively about minor details at the expense of meeting deadlines, and by refusing to delegate tasks that they do not trust anyone else to perform.
A lot of this rings very true, but definitely not the ‘not meeting deadlines’ bit as my next highest trait is the Implementer – who is ALWAYS trusted to meet a deadline.  In general, I HATE starting something that I’m not sure I can complete on time and to a really high standard, and this means I often won’t start something unless I’m sure I can give it my all AND deliver on time. I love ticking things off my to-do list and  my own personal feeling of satisfaction from ‘finishing’ a task always means more to me than any subsequent recognition for a job well done.  

Sadly though, what other people would accept as ‘good enough’ for my efforts at something is often still not ‘good enough’ for my own high standards. Case in point, I bet you didn’t realise that I read and re-read my blog posts about ten times before I ever push the button to ‘post’ them, tweaking here, adding there. I am my own worst enemy sometimes.

Where am I going with all this? Well a few weeks back I was talking about doing a photo book for Noah’s fifth birthday? Yeah, well, it’s not going so well.

Phew...it’s out there. I said it.

And I’m feeling like this huge disappointment of a mother who had promised to do something and is failing to deliver. Never mind that the only person I promised to do this before his birthday was myself, Noah doesn’t even know about it and I’m sure if he knew he would care even less. He’d much rather have an awesome Star Wars birthday party to remember, and well…I am also working on that!

So it’s only me who is beating me up and yet I AM beating myself up over it…and then when I realise I’m beating myself up about it, I beat myself up a bit more for being so silly for even thinking it’s worth beating myself up over in the first place. Seriously what’s up with that?!

It’s not as if I haven’t started the book. And I totally intend to finish it. But I’ve fast realised, it’s just not gonna happen between now and 2nd August. My biggest struggle is having to decide how to shape it. I mean how do you rank five years of amazing memories to decide what makes the cut?! I'm also struggling with the fact that all our early photos of Noah are from three cameras ago when I was completely clueless about taking good photos – so I've been very critical about finding any that measure up to today’s standards. And after completing a few chronological pages up to about 17 months in age, I realised it is near impossible to cram several months’ worth of life’s special moments into one 2-page spread. So I’m now thinking about changing to themed pages: grandparents, other family, his soft toy monkeys, his bikes, favourite spots around Welly, Star Wars, Punch Buggies, special friends, being a big brother, holiday highlights etc, but that in itself means major revisions.

So, though it pains me to say it, something’s gotta give. Being able to dedicate sufficient time and creative inspiration to doing this when my brain is already abuzz with party ideas and blog posts is impossible. There are already a very limited number of hours in the day and week once you knock out 40 hours for work, and then as many hours as we can pack in with family time with what’s left.

I am trying to accept the fact that - I JUST CAN’T DO IT ALL. Oh but that doesn't stop me from wanting to.You see, I’d also love to be doing the 30 Day Photography Challenge that a few other bloggy friends are doing during the month of June. Or write the Letter to My Self Aged 85 that others have recently done.  I find I have to talk myself out of doing more, committing to more than I can handle on a daily basis. 

So I’m still disappointed about the photo book.


And more disappointed for letting it get to me.

Somewhere along the way, I need to get a grip and get over it. And you know what, I might just have the perfect distraction ….. after all the next thing on the to-do list is to make a Death Star piƱata for Noah’s party from scratch …..um yeah... My. Own. Worst. Enemy.

Does anyone else struggle with this? Tell me I'm not alone here!

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