29 April 2013

on being a mama again....

I write this post in my head almost every day, but then most weeks it changes.

It feels like a pendulum and it's swinging wildly, and quite honestly I don't know when I'm ever going to stop the constant tick tock, back and forth.

Some weeks I feel very satisfied with my lot in life and think it would be madness to mess with the current formula. Other weeks I find myself already in the throes of planning how and when.

What am I talking about?

One day I'm all YES, I want to open myself to the gift of becoming a mama again. I close my eyes and I can hear the sound of another little MNM running around the house creating merry havoc, playing with his/her energetic big brothers, adding sparkle and individuality and God-breathed uniqueness to our family. I have no doubt a little person would multiply the mama love I have in my heart.

I know how much I've enjoyed this gift of being a mama to my 2 gorgeous boys and I know that the journey would be rich and rewarding.  These things I know with all my heart.

But then my head takes over.

The already-struggling-to-stay-afloat me says 'what on earth are you thinking you silly moo! Adding another child into your already busy lives when you already both work full-time would add even more challenge into the mix and require trying to juggle even more balls than you're already trying to keep up in the air. How on earth do you expect to be able to cope?'

The realist in me says 'Meg you're not even a natural baby mama. You don't even like the baby stage very much, you never really enjoyed breastfeeding, and if you're really honest, don't you spend most of the time waiting for them to grow up and get to the talking, walking stage when you actually find them fun?!'

The selfish side of me says 'look how hard you worked to get your body back after each baby. It took months of hard slog, eating well and exercising a lot. Do you really want to put yourself through that all over again?'

The health-conscious side of me says 'last year was really rough for you health-wise. Now that things seem to be on a bit more of an even keel, why would you risk all that going wrong again just to grow another baby?'

The practical side of me says 'how would it ever work? You're already so busy with various social and sporting commitments weeknights and weekends are already fully taken up with kids sports and church, where on earth would you fit in the needs of another little person amongst that?

The planner in me says 'the boys are already nearly 7 and 4. Isn't it getting a bit late to contemplate another kid without the age gap getting too big?'

The mama who feels like she spends half her time breaking up fights and negotiating says to me 'and you want to add another voice into the already loud and messy equation?' 

Oh my head keeps telling my heart that babies are hard work. Those long nights of endless feeding, the desperation of trying to get them into some kind of sleep routine when they aren't having a bar of it.

When we discussed children before we embarked on this journey, we both agreed that we only wanted two kids. And now we have those two beautiful kids. But that doesn't stop my heart from this longing, irrational though it might be. This longing is probably the subconscious reason why I haven't got rid of any of baby clothes, strollers, change table, bottles etc.

Even if I keep dismissing the idea out of mind, I know it will at some point come back because it always does. I don't honestly know if that longing will ever go away, or whether I will simply learn to live with it? And one day, a few years from now, I wonder will I look back and know we made the right decision?

All I know is right now.....I still don't know.

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